📋 What's Inside
The Study That Started It All
In 1997, psychologist Arthur Aron and his colleagues ran an experiment that sounds almost too simple to work. They paired up strangers, sat them down together, and gave them a list of 36 questions to ask each other — questions that slowly got more personal. By the end, many pairs reported feeling unusually close. One pair even got married.
The list went viral years later through a 2015 New York Times essay, "To Fall in Love With Anyone, Do This." It became known as the "36 questions to fall in love." But here's what most people miss: the study was never really about romance. It was about closeness — the feeling of being known by another person. And that's exactly what a good conversation with a stranger online can give you.
📊 The Core Finding
- The technique is built on "escalating, reciprocal self-disclosure" — you take turns sharing slightly more than before.
- Pairs who used the questions felt closer than pairs who made ordinary small talk.
- It works between strangers specifically because you have no shared history to protect.
- Closeness came from the structure of the questions, not from physical attraction.
Why 36 Questions Beats Small Talk
Most conversations with strangers die in the shallow end: "Where are you from?" "What do you do?" "Cool." The problem isn't the people — it's that nobody takes the first step into something real. Self-disclosure is risky, so we both wait, and the conversation starves.
These questions solve that by giving you permission to go deeper, together, one small step at a time. Because you're both answering the same question, neither of you is over-exposed. The vulnerability is shared and balanced — which is exactly the recipe for trust. Online, this is even easier: the slight anonymity lowers the stakes, so people open up faster than they would face to face. (We dug into that effect in why it's easier to open up to strangers.)
How to Use This in an Online Chat
You don't recite all 36 like a quiz. That would feel like an interrogation. Instead:
- Ask one, then answer it yourself too. The magic is in taking turns. Never make it one-sided.
- Follow the tangents. If a question opens a great story, stay there. The list is a map, not a schedule.
- Move through the sets in order. They're designed to warm up gradually. Skipping to the deep ones too early feels intense.
- Match their pace. If someone gives short answers, slow down. If they're pouring out paragraphs, lean in.
- Skip anything that feels forced. Consent matters in conversation too. "Pass" is always allowed.
Set I — Warming Up
Light, curious, and easy to answer. These build comfort.
- Given the choice of anyone in the world, who would you want as a dinner guest?
- Would you like to be famous? In what way?
- Before making a phone call, do you ever rehearse what you're going to say? Why?
- What would a "perfect" day look like for you?
- When did you last sing to yourself? To someone else?
- If you could live to 90 with either the mind or the body of a 30-year-old for the last 60 years, which would you want?
- Do you have a secret hunch about how you'll die?
- Name three things you and I appear to have in common.
- For what in your life do you feel most grateful?
- If you could change anything about the way you were raised, what would it be?
- Take four minutes and tell your life story in as much detail as possible.
- If you could wake up tomorrow having gained one quality or ability, what would it be?
Set II — Going Deeper
Now you trade real opinions, memories, and hopes.
- If a crystal ball could tell you the truth about yourself, your life, the future, or anything else, what would you want to know?
- Is there something you've dreamed of doing for a long time? Why haven't you done it?
- What is the greatest accomplishment of your life?
- What do you value most in a friendship?
- What is your most treasured memory?
- What is your most terrible memory?
- If you knew that in one year you would die suddenly, would you change anything about how you're living? Why?
- What does friendship mean to you?
- What roles do love and affection play in your life?
- Share something you consider a positive characteristic of the other person. Take turns sharing five each.
- How close and warm is your family? Do you feel your childhood was happier than most?
- How do you feel about your relationship with your mother?
Set III — Real Closeness
The deepest set. Only go here if the conversation has earned it.
- Make three true "we" statements each. For instance, "We are both in this chat feeling…"
- Complete this sentence: "I wish I had someone with whom I could share…"
- If you were going to become a close friend with me, what would be important for me to know?
- Tell me what you like about me — be honest, say things you might not say to someone you'd just met.
- Share an embarrassing moment in your life.
- When did you last cry in front of another person? By yourself?
- Tell me something you like about me already.
- What, if anything, is too serious to be joked about?
- If you were to die this evening with no chance to communicate with anyone, what would you most regret not having told someone? Why haven't you told them yet?
- Your house, containing everything you own, catches fire. After saving loved ones and pets, you have time to save one last item. What would it be? Why?
- Of all the people in your family, whose death would you find most disturbing? Why?
- Share a personal problem and ask the other person's advice on how they might handle it. Also, ask them to reflect back to you how you seem to be feeling about it.
✅ When this works beautifully
- Both people are genuinely curious, not just passing time
- You take real turns answering
- You're okay with a little vulnerability
- You let answers breathe instead of rushing
⚠️ When to ease off
- The other person gives one-word replies — slow down or switch topics
- Someone seems uncomfortable with a question — skip it, no pressure
- You're fishing for personal data, not connection — that's a red flag, not closeness
- It starts to feel like a script — drop the list and just talk
The Final Step (Adapted for Online)
The original study ended with partners staring into each other's eyes for four minutes. Online, you obviously can't do that — and that's fine. The closeness comes from the questions, not the stare. If you've connected and both want a softer version, try this instead: spend two minutes telling each other, in plain words, what this conversation felt like. Naming the experience out loud is its own kind of intimacy.
Frequently Asked Questions
Do the 36 questions really make you fall in love?
Not exactly. The study created closeness, not guaranteed romance. People often confuse the two. What the questions reliably do is help two strangers feel genuinely known by each other — which is a far better goal for an online chat than trying to engineer love.
Isn't it weird to ask deep questions to a stranger?
Less than you'd think. Because there's no shared history and no social fallout, strangers often answer big questions more honestly than close friends would. That's the quiet superpower of connecting with strangers.
What if they don't want to play along?
Then don't push. Connection can't be forced. Ask one or two casually, and if they're not into it, just chat naturally. The right person will lean in on their own.
Where can I try this right now?
On Chatrio, you're matched with a real person in seconds — no sign-up, no profile. Open a chat, ask a Set I question, and see where the next 30 minutes take you.
The Bottom Line
Closeness isn't luck. It's a sequence: small honesty, returned honesty, slightly bigger honesty, returned again. The 36 questions just hand you the staircase. The next time a chat with a stranger stalls in the shallow end, you'll know exactly how to take it somewhere real.